On the topic of faith and grief

As long as we're being totally transparent and vulnerable here, there's something I think we need to

talk about.

Since my last blog went live, I've had several people comment to me about the strength of my faith in the midst of grief. Friend, find yourself a comfy seat, grab a cup of coffee and let's chat.

First of all, you should probably know that over the last few weeks, I have had to absolutely fight and scratch and claw to cling to the tiny shred of faith that was left behind after years of infertility, months of fertility treatments, and the shocking reality of a grief I could never have imagined until I lived it.

While I've not questioned whether God is real, I have admittedly questioned his character. I have been angry. God and I have had some seriously unpleasant discussions (and by "discussions" I mean that I've been angrily lecturing God about how I think this whole situation is complete crap).

I have cried out to him in absolute anguish and have begged him to tell me why he doesn't deem me worthy of motherhood. There have been moments when the only word I could even muster to God through the sobs is, "WHY?"

I'm ashamed to admit all of that, because let's be real: I have zero right to question the Creator of the universe. At the same time, I don't want to mislead anyone about where I've been. I wish I could say I've handled all of this with complete grace, but that would be a lie.

With each passing day, however, the emotions settle a bit more and the moments of clarity become more frequent and I can again remember that God knows and shares my sorrows. One reminder comes from David in Psalm 56:8:

"You keep track of all of my sorrows. You have collected all of my tears
in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." (NLT)

Friend, when I'm posting scriptures, song quotes and references to God's faithfulness on social media, it's as much a reminder to myself that God is good as it is a message of hope and encouragement for those who see it. I never want those posts to come off as a message that says, "Hey! I have it all together! I never sin! I have it all figured out!" Y'all, I am a holy HOT MESS.

Yesterday, our pastor reminded us that the church is a hospital for sinners. Thank you and amen.

No, this life isn't fair and yes, my heart aches from unfulfilled dreams, but this life also is not my own. Sometimes I have to be refined by fire. Nobody ever promised that by following Jesus, life would be easy. We can see that all throughout the Bible. Job tends to be our favorite example of faith in suffering, but he's certainly not the only one.

Regardless of what life season we find ourselves in, we have to remember that God hears every single one of our prayers. And he answers them. But sometimes the answer is no and sometimes the answer is wait.

Friend, I don't know if his answer to us is the no, or if it's the wait. The unknown is almost as hard as the loss and, if I'm being completely honest with you, I don't have peace about that right now. But I believe that peace is coming. I believe that if God doesn't fulfill the desires of my heart to be a mom, it will be because he has a different calling for my life that he will reveal in his time.

Yesterday morning in worship service, we sang the song "Enough" (which I believe is originally a Barlowgirl song, but don't quote me on that). I've known and loved that song for years, but as I sang it yesterday, the meaning of the words washed over me more meaningfully than they have before. Singing it reminded me that as a follower of Christ, I have to come to a place where he alone is genuinely enough for me. I will never be fulfilled by motherhood or anything else until I am completely satisfied in Christ.

My brain knows that and believes it. My heart is working hard to catch up.

"All of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough"

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